There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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