he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
