Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
