I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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