I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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