it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
