Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
