When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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