dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
