didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
