Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
