I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
