i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
