I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
