This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
