i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
porn star boner night. come get it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
