Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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