I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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