I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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