we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
