Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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