two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
