If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
