I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
