angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
