my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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