Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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