just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
