"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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