hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
