My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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