the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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