It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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