I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
