I should be sponsored by Trojan
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
