She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He has the fingertips of a God
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
