who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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