Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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