plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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