If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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