i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
