i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
