This is not my ceiling
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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