The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
