He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
