So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
