Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize