When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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