PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and she was petting her beer can
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
