Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
