I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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