Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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